The Greatest Stag Do That Never Was
Back in 2008, my friend Mark and I were given the honour of being best men at the wedding of our friend Damo (who claims his grandma invented banoffee pie). One of the main duties we had as best men was organising the stag do/bachelor party.
After extensive research (looking for anywhere with cheap flights and accommodation), we settled on Portugal’s capital - Lisbon. Lisbon is an exciting and vibrant city, with lots to see and do, lively bars and beautiful beaches nearby. We found a great hostel in a perfect location and got it all booked.
Eighteen of us were going and Mark and I sent out an email to everyone with the details of the weekend.
Well, everyone except Damo.
We decided to have a bit of fun with Damo and tell him we were going somewhere completely different.
We settled on a small, remote fishing village in Iceland called Bolungarvik (population 995) for our fake stag do destination.
Coincidentally, all four of the previous stag dos our group of friends had been on began with the letter B: Berlin, Barcelona, Bratislava, Bochum. Picking a destination beginning with B would help convince Damo that we had chosen it just to continue the B theme.
We followed up our email about Lisbon with another all about Bolungarvik.
Hello
It's done, we're booked!
After months of intensive research, we decided on Bolungarvik as the destination for Damo's Stag Do.It looks a brilliant place. It's a village in North-West Iceland that we have read is going to be "the next Prague". More importantly, it begins with B.
We will be staying in a fishing lodge close to the beach. We've been in regular contact with the owner, named Maria, and she's got lots of activities planned for us. These include hunting, fishing and a horse riding tour of the geysers. Euro 2008 will be on TV, and Maria has promised that she'll get her old set working in time. There's very little in the way of night-life, but Reykjavik is only a 5.5 hour bus journey away. It advertised itself as being closer, but it turned out that was by sea-plane.George & Mark
There was no Maria.
To make the story more convincing, we invented our own fictional character - Maria. She would be our host for the trip and could answer any questions we had via email. She was our only point of contact.
And Maria was me.
I then forwarded everyone Maria’s confirmation email.
From: mariahafou@arcticmail.com
To: George Mahood
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2008
Subject: bolungarvikHelo george
Thank you. Money in account my now. You very quick.
I confirme booking for 13 Juni to 16 Juni. 18 peoples.We look forwarde welcom you in Bolungarvik.
It beuatifully.
Maria
To his credit, Damo tried his best to sound enthusiastic. He even went as far as ordering a guidebook about Iceland (Bolungarvik barely even got a mention in the book).
The more he read, however, the more depressed he got. He discovered that Bolungarvik was actually a nine-hour transfer from Reykjavik by coach, and that beer was £8 a pint (this was back in 2008 when beer was about £2 a pint in the UK). The activities were not to his taste either, as Damo’s email to me shows:
In all seriousness, I really can’t go horse riding. My whole face explodes, and once my eyes were so swollen that I couldn’t open them. Also, sorry to put a mucker on plans but I’m not keen on hunting. I’m a bit pro animal now since I had the dog, and even give money to the RSPCA on a monthly basis, so would be kinda two faced of me to kill them.
Sorry, I will just chat to Maria while you do that stuff.
We knew Damo was allergic to horses, which is why we chose horse riding as a (fictional) activity for the stag do. And we knew he wouldn’t want to go hunting. None of us would, which made it all the more amusing. I wanted to be a good friend, or at least pretend to be, so replied to Maria to highlight some of Damo’s concerns.
From: George Mahood
To: Maria Hafou
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2008Thank you Maria. I'm glad that the money was transferred ok.
Just a couple of quick questions for you....
A few of the group are not too keen on hunting, as they don't like killing animals. Also, one of the group is very allergic to horses so won't be able to do the horse-riding tour. Are there any other activities that these people could do instead?
Also, you mentioned in an earlier email that you would be able to sort out some beer for us, as there are not many places to drink nearby. Could you confirm that this is possible, and how much the beer will cost, because we have noticed that alcohol in Iceland is very expensive.
Thank you very much, and we are all very excited about visiting Bolungarvik soon
Kind regards
George
Maria replied within minutes. It was almost as if she was expecting my email.
From: Maria Hafou
To: George Mahood
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2008Helo george
It not problem. There lot to do in Bolungarvik if dont want to hunt. Lot nice walking, swimming pool which being finish and old fishing museume. Hunting is most fun but. And peoples dont kill animals to much. They not very good shooting.
My sister she teaches icelandic dancing and she come Bolungarvik on saturdays for lesson. You want to try? It most fun.
Yes beer is expesive in Iceland. We get cheap beer but in Bolungarvik and we buy lots for you. The hunter men they drink Víking Gylltur. It very good.
We look forwarde welcom you in Bolungarvik.
It beuatifully.
Maria
At this point, Damo began to question things. He doubted Mark and I would be stupid enough to book a stag do in such a remote part of Iceland, with so little in the way of things to do, or places to eat and drink. He decided that maybe we were up to something, so he sent Maria an email directly, politely asking for details about the dormitory sleeping arrangements (just in case she was real), assuming that he would get a ‘delivery failure’ notification and then he could prove that Maria was not real and the whole thing was a windup.
What Damo didn’t realise was that although Maria was fake, her ‘arcticmail.com’ email address was an actual working email address that I had registered. He didn’t tell me he had emailed Maria. But, being Maria, I obviously knew. Maria sent Damo a polite reply answering his questions and, from then on, Damo believed everything Maria said.
Damo had been chief organiser for all our other weekends away. He loves that sort of thing and is very good at it. He hated not being in control of this situation. Which made it all the more satisfying for the rest of us. I was forwarding all of Maria’s messages to everyone (including Damo), and the others were brilliant at going along with it in any group replies, and excluding Damo from any replies that might give the game away.
Several of the group replied to me privately saying they had been sharing the Bolungarvik saga around their office and their work colleagues were desperate for updates.
Damo then sent me a series of agitated messages.
Damo: You have officially stressed me out, well done you! Which day were you planning on going to Reykjavik?
Me: I don’t know. Maybe both?
Damo: It is a 580 mile round trip. It takes 6 hours each way!
Me: Maybe just one of the days then. We’ll go for a whole day and sleep on the way home.
Damo: I am worried about it being mega expensive. Someone I know has been to Iceland and they say it costs a fortune.
Me: Don’t worry. There’s nothing to spend your money on!
I wasn’t done yet. Wanting to make sure there were other activities for us to do - seeing as Damo had vetoed the horse riding and hunting (the spoilsport) - I sent Maria another email.
From: George Mahood
To: Maria Hafou
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2008Hi Maria
Sorry for all the questions.
We noticed on your website a picture of a golf course. Will it be possible for us to play golf while we are out there? If so, could you let me know how much it costs and if we can hire clubs.
Thank you
George
She replied…
From: Maria Hafou
To: George Mahood
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Thu, 24 Apr 2008Helo george
Yes we have golf course here in Bolungarvik. It have 14 holes. Last year it have 18 holes but hole 13 and 14 and 15 they fall into the sea. Hole 6 is where fishermen they put all the fish bodies so it not nice.
The golf it is very much nice. Olof Maria Jonsdottir she is very very good golf woman and she play golf in Bolungarvik here in 1998.
Yes we have golf club set you can borrow.
The cost for golf is I think 2000kr about.We look forwarde welcom you in Bolungarvik.
It beuatifully.
Maria
Damo was getting increasingly annoyed and worried about what was beginning to sound like the stag do from hell. All of our previous weekends away had been in big cities with lots to see and do.
Damo’s brother was coming on the stag do with us, and Damo sent him a message privately (which Marcus then forwarded to me).
Marcus, this is stressing me out. I don't wanna spend my stag do in a quiet village in the middle of nowhere with just an old lady to talk to........oh and some local dancing!
Marcus (who was in on the joke, obviously) went along with it and told Damo to chill out and be a bit more positive about Bolungarvik.
The prospect of Icelandic dancing didn’t excite Damo, but I hoped the idea of golf might give him something to look forward to.
I sent Maria another message to get more details.
From: George Mahood
To: Maria Hafou
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008Thank you Maria.
When you say you have 'golf club set', do you mean you have several sets that we could borrow, or just the one? There are 18 of us and I don't think we will be able to bring our own clubs with us.
Also, thank you for your sister's kind offer, but I don't think we will take part in the Icelandic dancing. Those that aren't doing the hunting will be happy to walk around the local area and visit the fishing museum.
We look forward to seeing you soon.
Thanks
George
Maria replied (straightaway again. Did she not have anything better to do?):
From: Maria Hafou
To: George Mahood
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008Helo george
Yes we have 1 set golf club. The golf man he tell me it have 4 club 5 club and 7 club pitching and sanding club. It have no puter club. He say you all use one set.
I tell my sister about no dancing. She say ok. She show peoples fishing museum not dancing.
Saturday night I cook for you traditionale Icelandic cookery. You eat kæstur hákarl and súrsaðir hrútspungar and selshreifar and pancakes. It much good.
We look forwarde welcom you in Bolungarvik.
It beuatifully.
Maria
These weird Icelandic delicacies mentioned by Maria were:
kæstur hákarl - fermented shark
Súrsaðir hrútspungar - sour ram’s testicles
Selshreifar - pickled seal flippers
I particularly liked Maria’s addition of pancakes at the end.
I assumed Damo would do his own googling, but trying to be an attentive best man, I replied to Maria with concern over one of her Icelandic menu options - Selshreifar (seal’s flippers).
From: George Mahood
To: Maria Hafou
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008Thanks Maria
That sounds delicious!We are a bit confused about the Selshreifar. It says on the internet that seal's flippers are only eaten if the seals are hunted by the servers. Does this mean that you will be hunting the seals or we will? I'm not sure that the group would be too happy to hunt seals. We are looking forward to the pancakes though!
Thanks again
George
Maria’s reply:
From: Maria Hafou
To: George Mahood
Subject: RE: bolungarvik
Date: Fri, 25 Apr 2008Helo george
Yes you in group who hunt will hunt the seals. They live only 2 mile from here in Bolungarvik. They more easy to shoot. Reindeers they too quick for you and whales they not come near Bolungarvik. They go south Iceland.
We look forwarde welcom you in Bolungarvik.
It beuatifully.
Maria
Damo had known me for 20 years. There is no way he would believe I was happy to go seal hunting. I’m a bit surprised he thought I was happy to do any sort of hunting, to be honest, but I reassured him that we would not be taking part in any seal hunting. Unless Maria was really persuasive, of course. I also told him to look on the bright side that at least we weren’t going to be killing whales. And we still had the fishing museum to look forward to. That didn’t make him any happier and I did start to think he was deeply regretting choosing Mark and me to be his best men. I think he was even regretting us being his friends.
I heard from Damo’s fiancé Liz that he had not slept for three days since the stag do plans were announced. He had been lying awake all night, getting anxious about the trip, which was not for another two months.
As much as we were enjoying it and wanting to drag it on for a little longer, it was getting too cruel for poor old Damo and it was time to come clean.
I went to the local book shop and bought a guidebook to Lisbon and then wrote one final letter from Maria.
I called over to Damo’s house on Saturday morning and gave him the book wrapped in a paper bag and the letter. I had not seen Damo for a few days. It was one thing telling lies to him over email, but there is no way I could have kept up the charade when speaking with him face-to-face. Especially when I saw the sadness in his eyes. He looked tired and stressed and not at all pleased to see me.
‘I bought you a present,’ I said, handing him the wrapped book and the letter.
‘What’s this?’
‘It’s a letter for you. And a gift.’
He opened the letter and read it.
Helo Damo
I very sad to speak.
My lodge in Bolungarvik here it burn up in fire. My sister she hit candle on floor when she teach icelandic dances. My lodge it now deaded.
Do not worry for me. My brother he build me cabin by golf course away from fish bodies. It very cold but I drink Viking Gryllr and keep warm with hunter men.
Do not worry for your holiday in Bolungarvik here. I change your aeroplane to Lisbon. It big village near Portugal. It much very nice. It not nice as Bolungarvik you will have fun but. You stay in nice hostel place. Not nice like my lodge but my lodge it burn up in fire.
You have very nice time in Lisbon and you come visit in Bolungarvik one day.
We look forwarde welcom you in Bolungarvik soon now.
It beuatifully.
Maria
‘I don’t understand. Why have you written this stupid letter? This isn’t really from Maria.’
‘No, you’re right. I wrote it.’
‘And what’s this?’ he said, holding up the wrapped book.
‘Open it!’
He opened the bag and pulled out the Lisbon guidebook.
‘Lisbon? I don’t get it.’
‘It’s where we are really going for your stag do.’
‘You mean you finally agreed that Bolungarvik was a stupid idea after all so have booked Lisbon instead?’
‘No, Bolungarvik was a joke. We were never going there.’
‘What do you mean? Yes we were! I emailed Maria and she replied.’
‘Yeah… about Maria.’
‘Wait… You mean Maria wasn’t real?’
‘Errr…. No. She wasn’t.’
‘What? Sorry, I still don’t understand. Hold on…. NO! Were YOU Maria?’
‘Err… yeah. Sorry about that.’
He paused as the pieces all slowly fell into place. His eyes gradually widened, his face became flushed, he shook his head in disbelief and a big smile slowly spread across his face.
‘You absolute fucking BASTARD! I hate you!’ he said, half fuming, half laughing. ‘So, Maria’s Lodge? The horse riding? The hunting? The pickled ram’s balls? The golf course? The fishing museum? The nine-hour transfer? The Icelandic dancing? The seal hunting?’
‘Sorry. All made up.’
‘My god, you are such a twat! I can’t believe it. Was everyone else in on this?’
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. Well, not Liz. She didn’t know. I bet she hates us, doesn’t she?’
‘She genuinely does! She wonders why I could have such awful friends.’
‘I’m really sorry. I didn’t expect it to go this well.’
‘I haven’t slept for three days! This whole thing has really messed me up.’
‘I know, I heard. That’s why I thought I would end it.’
He looked at me like he wanted to punch me and hug me. Thankfully he chose the latter.
‘So, what do you think about Lisbon?’ I asked.
‘I think it sounds amazing. To be honest, anything would be better than bloody Bolungarvik. I still hate you, though.’
‘I know.’
Damo’s stag do in Lisbon was a resounding success. We had a fabulous three days and three nights making the most of the city. We spent a day at the beach. We watched Portugal v Switzerland in Euro 2008 from the busy fan zone in one of Lisbon’s parks. We visited dozens of bars, including the obligatory Irish pubs (when in Portugal…). We ate some incredible food, and far too many Pastéis de Nata. I ate a frozen spaghetti bolognese that I got from a vending machine (don’t ask). Damo was interviewed for Portuguese TV in the fan zone while wearing a black wig and a leopard-print shirt (I doubt it ever made it to air, as he doesn’t speak a word of Portuguese and was very drunk).
I made T-shirts for some of us to wear with a logo made for the fictional Maria’s Lodge. Damo had some additional wording on the back of his: THE SEAL CUB CLUBBING CLUB.
After the revelation of Damo’s allergy to horses and his face exploding when he goes near one, we made him carry a hobbyhorse around for the three days in Lisbon. We affectionately named her Maria.
The 29-year-old version of me would also have been repulsed by the idea of spending three days in Bolungarvik for my stag do. Now, the 44-year-old me thinks it sounds wonderful. Except the seal hunting part.
I sent Damo a message asking if he was happy for me to write this Substack post about Bolungarvik. He replied:
Ha, of course. One day we will go there.
And I really hope we do.
It beuatifully.
Surely no one is that gullible?
Oh I laughed SO much at this. ‘It deaded’…. And that T Shirt!!! Poor poor Damo lol